Suicidal Idealations

I want to die.

I’m so tired of struggling, so tired of fighting, so tired of it being insinuated that my life is meaningless because I’m not good enough at being a minority. 

Yesterday was supposed to be a good day. It was supposed to be the beginning of the process to start my chest reconstruction surgery. Instead it ended with me wanting to wrap my car around a tree at 140 mph, and quite frankly the only reason I didn’t was because I wasn’t alone in the car on the five hour trip back home. Killing myself is one thing, taking someone else out with me is totally different, and no matter how depressed I get, or how suicidal I am it’s not something I could ever do. 

I drove over 200 miles, one way, just to have some lackey of the surgeon I was supposed to have a consultation with tell me I was too fat for them to operate on. Then she kept asking if I wanted to see pictures of their results…The surgeon couldn’t even be bothered to see me, even after these people knew I was driving from near Albany, NY to Rochester, NY. 

In 2007 I injured my back, I hurt it while I was working at Fred’s in Piggott, AR but since I didn’t realize it until the following day, the company basically told me to go fuck myself. I ended up going to the ER, where I was given multiple shots in my back and told to get some rest. I haven’t been out of pain since that day. 

When I first tried to see a medical professional about the severe pain in my lower back, I was told it was because I was overweight. None of the doctors that I saw in Arkansas wanted to even listen to the fact that I had been injured, it was all because I was overweight. 

Then I moved to Virginia, where I was told that I had nerve damage in my lower back and I was given a referral to a pain management specialist. When I went to see the pain management specialist I was then told that I would live every day for the rest of my life in pain, but because I was so young (25 years old) there was nothing that they (the pain management specialists) were going to do. I was too young to be taking pain killers. So I was sent on my way with the knowledge that each and every day I was alive from then until I died I would be hurting. 

Since then, I’ve tried to see doctors about losing weight, but now that I present as male I’ve been repeatedly told “just exercise” or “you’re just building muscle”. The latter is every doctor’s excuse for the weight gain I’ve had despite exercising to the point where I feel like I’m about to pass out and eating about a quarter of what I ate before my initial back injury some ten years ago. None of the doctors want to run any tests to find out why I’m gaining weight, it just must be all that muscle gain…

No one wants to help, or even listen and do their job. They just want me out of their office so they don’t have to deal with me anymore. This isn’t just one or two doctors though, is this nearly every doctor I’ve been to in the past five years. I stopped drinking soda, and rather than loosing weight which what one doctor proclaimed would happen, I gained weight. 

I’m not rich, in fact quiet the opposite is true. The only reason I’m living in a house right now is because a really great couple took my family in when we had no where else to go and were living in a tent. I’m not skinny, I’m damaged goods and I’m male. All of which equate to my life isn’t worth the paper my birth certificate was printed on. 

Why should I even bother to fight anymore?

I’m constantly in pain. The one thing that I was stupid enough to get my hopes up for has just been taken away because of issues that no doctor wants to deal with…my quality of life is so low it’s not even funny.

I can’t even function in society.

I’m so tired.

#depression, #discrimination-in-healthcare, #doctors, #ftm, #ftm-surgery, #shoddy-healthcare, #suicide, #transgender

A New Kind of Normal

I’ve never really had anything close to a social life, even when I was in high school. Even though I’m an extrovert I’ve spent most of my life in a reclusive state. Part of this is the fact that I am transgender, and the discrimination that I’ve faced because of it, part of it is because of my sensory issues, and part of it is the fact that I was never really allowed to socialize outside of the halls of my middle and high school. Growing up I was never allowed to have friends over nor was I allowed to leave home to go meet with anyone that could be considered a friend outside of school related activities. 

Since moving to New York, and beginning to emerge myself in the world of the SCA, I’ve found something akin to a social life. There are people around me that understand, or at least accept my eccentricities and it doesn’t seem to bother them in the least. I’ve found something that I never thought that I would have, and that’s a community. I feel like I’ve finally found a place where I can belong not hide away from society as life passes me by like I’ve been doing for the past twenty years. 

It’s past time for me to let go of what happened to me in the past and start working towards the future that I want for myself and for my family. 

For the first time in my life I’ve joined a gym so that I can get into shape. I’ve started attending rapier practice within the SCA, and archery as well. While there has been a few bumps in the road, I am actually starting to look forward to the future with excitement rather than disdain or upset. Things are still rough, I’m still fighting for SSI because of my autism, in July of this year it will be two years since I’ve applied. I went into my final appeal in November of last year and that can take up to 15 months. 

I’ve scheduled an appointment for the 22nd of March for the consultation for my chest reconstruction surgery, and my insurance here will cover it and all other SRS surgeries that I need. I can’t believe this year I’ll finally be able to take that step closer to being whole. 

My depression was really bad for a while, but it’s a bit better now. I don’t wake up every morning wanting to die. I hope that this is a permanent change, but I know that there is the possibility that it isn’t. It’s just something that I will have to deal with as it comes along. I know I’m going to have to find a therapist and stick with them, but for once I have a few clear goals in my life that aren’t just ideas. 

I have an idea of where I want to be headed by the end of this year, I’m not completely lost to the chaos anymore. 

#depression, #letting-go-of-the-past, #lgbt, #mental-health-2, #mental-illness, #moving-on, #new-york, #srs, #trans, #transgender

Nightmares, Lost words, and Side-Effects

​I don’t know what’s worse, being hopeless depressed or waking up crying from nightmares. I haven’t had dreams this bad in years. At least with the deep, dark depression I could escape when I was asleep, I could find something worth continuing on for in my dreams. Granted I hated waking up from my dreams, but there was still something good there; now all I have is nightmares that leave me fighting for sleep in the wee hours of the morning. I guess my depression is getting less depressing? 

I’m not to the point where I’m crying all the time anymore, but I’m still not in a good place mentally. I’m hungry a lot now, but if I eat more than two or three bites of food I get physically sick. I am beginning to feel like a little bird pecking at my food. I’m sure I’ll get to the point where my body decides that my fat cells look tasty and it’s starts cannibalizing itself, which altogether isn’t that bad of an idea except for the fact that I’m weak a lot and shaky, and I have fits where I can’t do anything but tremble. The trembling started happening before I was put on “Don’t Kill Yourself” medication though, so I can’t really blame it on that.

The worst of all of this is that fact that I can’t find a doctor that A) takes my insurance B) will treat me like a human being and C) will actually listen to what I have to say. I may not be a doctor, but I do have medical training, and I’m pretty sure that I know my body A LOT better than someone that I just met. Finding a doctor shouldn’t be this taxing, but it’s just something that you learn to deal with if you’re transgender, at least it’s been that way in my experience. 

I’ve also found that I’m having trouble finding the words that I want to use, I can see the picture so vividly in my mind, but the actual word for that image just won’t produce itself. For someone that has a great love of words like myself this is beginning to become terrifying. This tends to happen only when I’m talking though, it’s like the words get stuck in the neurons between my brain and my mouth. If I’m typing (or texting) I don’t have this problem, the words just flow from my fingertips like water from a fountain. Thus I’m left wondering once more what is wrong with me and why I’m broken all the time. 

This year is almost over though, and I will gladly celebrate it becoming a part of history. I hope that the upcoming year can hold something good, or at least not as horrid as this year has been. I’m starting to feel like whatever deities that exist decided that this would be a great year to start a turn on the wheel of Chaos. 

#depression, #medication, #medication-side-effects, #mental-health-2, #mental-health-awareness, #nightmares, #transgender


More often than not I’ve been homeless, I’ve never really stayed in one place more than two years since high school. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I moved around a lot when I was growing up, the fact that I’ve never really felt at home anywhere I’ve lived, or the fact that my disability makes it impossible to hold down a full time job for any length of time before I have a complete meltdown. Once it was so bad that I ended up admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

I’ve stayed with family and friends most of my life, which isn’t something that I’m really proud of because I feel like a complete waste of space. Even though I try hard to help out; cooking, cleaning, yard work, fixing vehicles when they break down, household repairs, etc., I end up feeling like a burden and unwanted to the point where I’m suicidal.

I’m at that point now.

Couple my depression with the fact that I have a school district that has discriminated against my son, refusing him the services that he needs to thrive (I have a feeling it’s because I”m transgender, something the county of Amelia seems to have an open hostility towards.) and the fact that they like to threaten me with truancy even if I home-school him and things have just gone to hell.

I’ve been trying to find a new place to stay, praying that someone would let my son and I crash on their sofa for a couple of weeks until my wife and I could work out better plans, but that idea failed. The only friends that offered were unfortunately in Australia, with me being in the United States, that just isn’t going to happen. Though I am extremely grateful that they offered, even if we are half a world apart, its more than any of my more local friends offered. That hurt, maybe because I’d open my home to a friend with a child in an instant if they were having troubles like I am.

So it’s back to the gypsy style of life to make a long story not so long. After my wife had an argument with her mother this morning about our predicament it’s obvious that we aren’t welcome here any longer and need to leave. At least this time we have a larger SUV and trailer so we won’t lose everything that we have yet again.

It is for this reason that I’ve had to postpone the TransMuted Project, which is breaking my heart. It gave me something to focus on, and for just a few weeks I felt not so worthless. I felt like I had a purpose in life and now that’s been taken away.

So off into the wild blue yonder with us.

Luckily I still have my Chromebook and for the next month at least a cell phone with internet access, so maybe we can make something happen. Wish me luck everyone, my family is going to need it.

#autism, #depression, #disabled, #friends, #gypsy, #homeless, #homelessness, #lgbt, #transgender, #wanderer


With the upcoming presidential catastrophe, I’m still on the fence as to who to vote for. My candidate is clearly a wash and I’m left feeling a bit betrayed by his actions. Lucky for me (sarcasm) there’s a slew of other people to look into. One of these people I’m looking into is Gov. Gary Johnson, I don’t agree with everything he does, however I think he could be better than the other alternatives.

One of the big sticking points though, is universal healthcare. Without the Affordable Healthcare Act many Americans will lose their insurance coverage, be denied coverage based on preexisting conditions, or be denied access to procedures due to corporate greed.

The transgender population has the potential to be one of the groups of people hit the hardest by the repeal of the Affordable Healthcare Act. Without the protections provided in the act, companies will be able to deny those of us that are transgender coverage or access to procedures that are necessary for our well-being.

Last June when I had a hysterectomy, my insurance company didn’t want to cover it. It took weeks of my wonderful GYN (Dr. Mahoney in Richmond, VA) and my loving wife fighting with Anthem Health-keepers to get the procedure paid for. I met all of the criteria for the procedure, but because my gender markers are all male, Anthem didn’t want to pay for it because I shouldn’t have female reproductive organs.

In the end it was finally paid for, but I was up for another battle when I had to change the way that my HRT is administered. I was without my testosterone for over a month.

All of this has happened WITH the protections of the act.

This morning I wrote a letter to Gov. Johnson to ask if he’d be willing to reassess his standpoint. Below is a copy of the letter. I am hoping for a response, but I’m not betting on one. I’d really like to see someone in office that cares about the country.

Good Afternoon,

My name is Aydan O’Connor, I am a supporter of Bernie Sanders. The actions of the Democratic party during the DNC have left me with a bad taste in my mouth and I refuse to vote for a corrupt candidate that won a nomination through cheating, lies and rigging the system. I have been reading a lot of the viewpoints of Gov. Johnson and researching other potential Presidential candidates. I can agree with a lot of the views of Gov. Johnson, however I cannot, with a clear conscious, vote for a candidate that wants to eliminate the Affordable Healthcare Act. I am writing the campaign today because I wanted to ask if Gov. Johnson would be willing to reassess and perhaps change his stance on the Affordable Healthcare Act.
There are provisions in this act that allow American citizens the right to purchase healthcare when they have preexisting conditions. Without this protection from discrimination by corporations the American people are vulnerable. They are denied their freedom to choose an insurance company that will work for them because of discrimination, and there are many people that find this unacceptable. The Transgender community will also lose most if not all of their current healthcare benefits because of the unwillingness of companies to cover services related to their care. This will be a devastating blow for the LGBT community that has already faced so much discrimination at the hands of the US government.
Despite what other candidates say, Universal Heathcare is possible, the Affordable Heathcare Act may not have been the best way to go about creating a better healthcare system, but it can be used as a starting point for something better that will benefit all Americans. How are Americans going to be able to live free when they lack the most basic of healthcare rights? The quality of life will once more plummet and the living the American people will do, will be anything but free. They will be shackled by the chains of corporate corruption and discrimination.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I hope that you have a pleasant day, and good luck in the election.
Aydan K. O’Connor

#anthem-healthkeepers, #bernie-sanders, #dnc, #gary-johnson, #gov-johnson, #hrt, #insurance-companies, #political-corruption, #presidential-election-2016, #transgender, #transgender-healthcare, #universal-healthcare


After a difficult time of trying to think of what words I can use to portray the meaning and purpose behind my upcoming Transgender Visibility Project, I have come up with a name that I feel that does just that.

Next month I will be launching Trans*Muted: A Transgender Visibility Project to bring a positive, uplifting, and refreshing view to the lives of people that identify as being transgender. For far too long the transgender population of the United States and in many parts of the world have viewed as taboo or even subhuman and that clearly needs to change. Those of us that are transgender are just like any of member of society. We are teachers, parents, doctors, professionals, blue collar workers, artists, writers, siblings, caretakers, etc.

I feel that the name Trans*Muted encompasses the fact that the transgender population has been muted and silenced for so long, as well as playing on the word transmute which is to change into something new. That is exactly what we are seeking to do, change the negative attitude to something new, something positive and more accepting and understanding that it was previously.

I am currently seeking people that would like to be interviewed so that their story can be told during the project. If you or someone that you know are interested, please feel free to contact me at or you can fill out an introduction survey at

I’m really excited about moving forward with the project, meeting a lot of wonderful people and getting to know them so that I can help share their stories.

#gender-expression, #lgbt-visibility, #trans, #trans-visibility-projects, #transgender, #transgender-activism, #transgender-stories, #transgender-visibility, #transmen, #transsexual, #transwomen


Just the other day I was talking about how life likes to destroy plans and basically throw them into my face, well it’s happened again. Less than twenty-four hours before I was supposed to leave I managed to filet the bottom of my driving foot bad enough that I had to go to the ER for it. Seriously?! I am beginning to think there is a God or Goddess out there with a terribly wicked sense of humor playing with my life. As a result of said gash in the bottom of my right foot, my trip to Texas has been put off for the time being.

I’m on crutches again and had to have my foot glued back together yesterday. Not my ideal way to spend a Tuesday, but hey at least it wasn’t boring? To make matters worse, when I started up my Ford Explorer this morning the brake light decided to pop on, and one of the spark plug wires on the coil pack is arcing to another wire.

Maybe I wasn’t meant to make that trip to Texas, at least right now. It really is frustrating though, because now I have all the stress of possibily having to deal with the local school district. There is  nothing that I can do about the situation right now unfortunately. Perhaps we can reevaluate our previous plans to move to Oregon, but either way the longer the time before moving to more stress I have to deal with.

I’m still working on a name for the Transgender Visibility Project that I’ll be starting next month. I have a few ideas but nothing set right now. I’ve been working on that since I came home from the hospital last night. I have to come up with a name that will invoke the powerful feelings that I know are going to be behind the stories of a population that have had little to no voice for such a long time.

While I hadn’t planned on having so much down time until yesterday, this will give me the chance to get all the ideas that are floating around in my head down on paper or typed out so that I’m better prepared to launch this project. I’m excited, but at the same time I’m neverous. I want to give a voice to the voiceless, and while I know that I can undertake this goal there’s still a bit of me worried I won’t be able to do the lives of so many the justice that they deserve.

#transgender, #transgender-visibility, #transgender-visibility-project