Why did you come to New York just to be homeless?

This really should have been the first clue that the people who are supposed to help people like those in my family didn’t want to waste their time on someone like us. It’s the same everywhere you go though I suppose, especially now with the political climate. The word outsider has never been more foul of a word when you’re desperate and looking for a light among the darkness of your life. An outsider is someone else, not one of the community and needs to be pushed as far away as possible. An outsider can be left to fend for themselves, even to die, it doesn’t matter, they aren’t from “around here”.

This is the path that fear, ignorance, isolation, and bigotry has lead us down this path. The path that in fact leads to far more deaths and far more pain than anyone realizes. In one breath we proclaim that we love our neighbors, and care for one another. Then in the next we curse those who are not like ourselves. We exile those who need the help to most into an abyss of desperation and destitution that leave them wondering if their lives even matter…

Does my life even matter?

I am, after all no one.

I am an outsider, and I always have been. I watch the world pass by me as if I was nothing more than a ghost in the mists of time. I’m just a bystander in my own life, watching it move by me slowly with a sense of lost despondency stuck in my chest like a rock that’s ever crushing the life from me.

I pretend well.

I do a good job of making people think I’m something when I need to be, but at the end of the day I’m alone, empty and lost.

I started writing this post to speak out against the way outsiders are treated, but now I’ve gone off on a different tangent. I’m so damned tired of fighting, of being nothing, being just another tranny freak that is so inept at dealing with the world that I should just go kill myself…

But that’s really what it comes down to in the end. Should I or shouldn’t I? I can name hundreds of reasons why I should just do it. Most of which are selfish, but some not so much. I mean, seriously, if I’m dead my family will actually get the help that they need. Because, you know, gender stereotypes and all, the “man” should take care of the family or he’s a worthless piece of shit. Isn’t that how it goes? Of course you have the ideal that a family with a man in it shouldn’t need help in the first place.

On the other hand, my reasons are selfish. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of hurting. I’m tired of watching people laugh, smile, talk, enjoy being together and only be able to fake those emotions. I’m a fraud really, I don’t understand it. I portray them because it’s expected of me. I’m -supposed- to care if someone is hurt, I’m supposed to display these facial features, or those words. It’s all an act. Someone like me could never find a place to belong. I’m too broken to fit into the picture of society.

Wasn’t high school enough for me…all the acting, all the pretend games that I cared about the meat suits that walked around me, it was all for nothing in the end. I haven’t talked to any of them in years. I’ve only talked to two since graduating, one of which is now dead. Why shouldn’t I join him? He was the nicest one of the bunch…

I tell the truth about what goes on in my fucked up head and I’m told I’m a hypochondriac and that no one with my level of IQ could possibly have as many problems that I do. Once more, they rely on stereotypes to try to make sense of me, and ignore everything else. My own pain, perhaps the only tangible emotion I feel means nothing to them. They simply don’t care, and why should they? I don’t neatly fit into their molds.

They slapped the label of bi-polar on me, but I never abused any substances like so many other people that are bi-polar, after all they don’t count an adrenaline junkie as a real junkie. I was just a kid that liked to do “stupid kid things” like street racing. The faster, the better, but there was always that voice of caution in the back of my mind. “Best not get caught. They’ll lock you up.”

That’s been the motivation for anything really. Not to get caught. Because in the end, even death is better than some cell surrounded by other people stupid enough to get caught.

The next label was depressed…well fucking duh. I’ve been depressed since I was a teenager. I even told my mother about it once, her answer “Oh you know we don’t believe in killing yourself.” So I started cutting. It felt good, it felt as good as the high I would get from speed. But once more that tiny voice would whisper, “regulate yourself. Best not get caught, they’ll lock you up.”
My reason for never getting beyond control was simply not wanting to be locked up. The thought of the smell of those kinds of places is enough to make my stomach turn. I hate it. Of course they wouldn’t understand anything about me, and they wouldn’t care. That’s been made perfectly clear by the last time I was “locked up”.

And why was I locked up? That’s a story for another time, if there is in fact another time.

The point is, people don’t give a fuck about each other, on average. Even those holier-than-thou asshats that are PAID to help people, they don’t care.

Their family isn’t struggling to find food for the rest of the week. Their family isn’t going outside in freezing weather without shoes because they have sensory issues and their ONLY FUCKING PAIR OF SHOES won’t work for the day, but they still have to leave the house to run errands. Their children aren’t DENIED the RIGHT to public education even though they are McKinney Vento students (homeless).
They don’t care because they aren’t an outsider…

#depression, #discrimination, #outsider, #society, #suicide

They put them in dog kennels.

My great-grandmother on my mother’s side was a Cherokee medicine woman, or so I’ve been told. Regardless of the truth of this statement I have always been proud of my Native American heritage, and the negative impacts that “colonization” has had on the native peoples of what is now America has always troubled me deeply. I am also a tree-hugging nature loving Pagan who believes we live in a far too advanced society to be dependent on the destruction of our planet for resources. Simply put, I do not agree with the Dakota Access Pipeline that oil companies have decided to put through lands that belong to the Sioux tribes of the Dakotas.

On my Facebook I have been very vocal about this, and the same goes for my Twitter account when I access it. Due to the fact that I have been extremely busy over the last month or so, I haven’t had the time to really sit down and write a blog post about the DAPL. The other day on my Facebook feed an article showed up that made me decide that I needed to sit down and make the time to write about this.

For those of you that don’t know the DAPL (Dakota Access Pipeline) is an underground pipeline that is scheduled to be put through sovereign tribal lands in North Dakota. It has already caused the destruction of land that was a sacred burial ground to the Standing Rock Sioux tribe, and presents a huge risk for the contamination of the Missouri River from which millions of people get their water.

Dakota Access LLC. (the constructors of the pipeline) have already attacked members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe and their supporters by unleashing dogs on them which left resulted in the mauling of a toddler. This company has used pepper spray on the water protectors as well.

Now they have involved not only local and state police from North Dakota, but also police from other states as well as the National Guard. All to protect the profits of their pipeline while continuing to violate treaties that the United States government signed with the native peoples giving them sovereignty.

Towards the end of October police arrested 141 water protectors on private property in regards to the DAPL. These individuals were then put in dog kennels and had numbers written on their forearms.

During the holocaust, the prisoner’s kept in Auschwitz were tattooed in a similar manner. After it became impractical for chest tattoos the Nazi’s began to tattoo the prisoners in Auschwitz on the outer side of their left forearm. (https://www.ushmm.org/wlc/en/article.php?ModuleId=10007056)

I have read police claims that they put the water protectors in a temporary holding facility, and I call bullshit. Recently, while I was at my local Tractor Supply Inc. getting rabbit feed I found what the police were holding our fellow native brothers and sisters as well as their supporters in. They were dog kennels, they weren’t temporary holding cells, or anything other than enclosures designed to hold animals.


When is enough going to be enough? President Obama has refused to step in to reiterate that the lands that Dakota Access LLC are treading on are private lands of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The water protectors are being assaulted daily on private lands by police, and the media is silent.

Recently a group of over 500 people of different faiths and backgrounds marched at Standing Rock in solidarity with our native brothers and sisters, and the images from that march are quite moving.

The time has come for us to stand up as one to speak out against this inhumane treatment of Native Americans, protect a water source for millions of people, and to protect sacred burial grounds. Since I cannot make it to Standing Rock personally, I am doing everything that I can to spread awareness of what is happening there. Together as one, we can make a difference.

#all-lives-matter-2, #clean-water, #dakota-access-llc, #dakota-access-pipeline, #dapl, #i-stand-with-standing-rock, #native-americans, #native-lives-matter, #no-dapl, #nodapl, #police, #police-brutality, #police-brutality-towards-native-americans, #protect-our-earth, #sioux-nation, #society, #standing-rock, #standing-rock-sioux-tribe, #water-protectors

ALL lives matter, not just a select few.

My great grandfather was an immigrant from Mexico, and my great grandmother was a Cherokee medicine woman, both of these aspects of my heritage show in how I look. I have the dark Hispanic hair color and eye color, and a Native American skin tone. When I was younger I often suffered the racist comments of classmates that labeled me Mexican and therefore unworthy of companionship, friendship, or even being alive. My family moved to a small town during the end of my 7th grade year, and because of my coloration I was called nearly every racial slur you could think in reference to people from Mexico.

It was degrading and dehumanizing, I wasn’t a person to my fellow classmates, I was a thing. I know what it is like to suffer from racism, and I’ve even gotten in fights with my father for using the “N-word” when referring to people of darker skin color. When people ask me my race I will always answer HUMAN. We are ONE race of people. Black, white, red, yellow, brown, these are colors, they are labels, they aren’t what or who we are.  

When I first heard about the Black Lives Matter movement, I thought it had the capability of becoming something great, something akin to the movement that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. started in the 1960s before my time. It wasn’t until I was called racist for using the hashtag #AllLivesMatter in conjunction with #BlackLivesMatter that I really started paying attention to what the Black Lives Matter Movement was really about.

It wasn’t about peace, equality, understanding and working together to put into place programs, ideas, and laws that lessen the struggle of those that consider themselves to be black. To me, it seems like the opposite, it appears to be an extremist movement that is out of control and feeds the fear, upset, discrimination, segregation, and hatred that is currently fueling the fires of racial tensions in the United States. You cannot believe that black lives matter if you believe: all lives matter, Native American lives matter, Latino/Latina lives matter, Trans lives matter, LGBT lives matter, minority lives matter, etc. Stating that other lives matter automatically declares you a racist in the eyes of many BLMM supporters, and that is a huge part of the problem.

Recently there was a shooting in Texas that ended the lives of several police officers as well as the shooter; a mass murder that was fueled by the upset, chaos and anger of the Black Lives Matter Movement. The suspect himself admitted that he was upset about BLMM and about the recent shootings of Alton Sterling and Philando Castille. He also stated that he was upset at white people and wanted to kill them especially white officers.

Is this what working towards equality is coming to? This is not how you work with others in your community for the better of everyone. The police response was just as deplorable as the act of the mass shooting itself. Vigilante justice is no justice and those involved with the decision to bomb Micah Johnson should be held accountable for their actions. The police that shoot, kill, assault, or otherwise unnecessarily harm suspects, no matter the color of their skin, need to be held accountable for their actions as well. However, rioting and killing one another is not going to accomplish this goal, nor is marching in the dead of night with your face and head covered like you are ashamed of what you are doing.

We need to stop, take a moment to assess the situation at hand and come together as a nation of people to solve the issue and work towards goals to meet that solution. Skin tone or police affiliation does not make someone a good or bad person, the sooner we realize that the sooner we are ready to take the first step in healing the divide in this country that years of indoctrination has created.

We need to stop teaching our youth to hate and fear, stop letting our public servants get away with crime and hold people accountable for their own actions no matter how rich they are, or what color their skin tone is.

We need to stop segregating ourselves and come together as one people, but this isn’t going to happen unless we stop letting fear, ignorance, hatred and contempt rule our thinking. There are children that are growing up that are being taught to hate the police because they are police. There are children growing up that are being taught to hate and mistrust other people because they are black. There are children growing up that are being taught not to think for themselves, just to go with the flow and ignore the injustices around them. These children grow into adults and continue the cycle of teaching intolerance and hatred.

It is this cycle that we must break.

If we are going to march against these injustices let us do so in daylight so that everyone can see our solidarity and hear our voices rise together as one.

Let us not scream only one kind of life matters, but realize that each and every one of our lives matter and that we will come together as brothers and sisters to protect and care for each other.

Let us not destroy the lives or property that others have worked so hard for during their own life, but instead let us build each other up and stop the foolish selfishness of looting during the chaos of rioting.
Let us work together for peace, because there is already enough suffering. 

#all-lives-matter-2, #alton-sterling, #black-lives-matter, #hold-people-accountable-for-their-crimes, #hold-police-accountable-for-their-crimes, #human-lives-matter, #latino-lives-matter, #lgbt-lives-matter, #mass-shootings-2, #micah-johnson, #native-american-lives-matter, #peace, #philando-castille, #police-lives-matter, #police-shootings, #shootings, #society, #stop-racism, #stop-the-killing, #stop-the-violence, #trans-lives-matter, #we-are-one-race