The hardest part of my life is seeing people around me constantly having the world move to benefit them. It doesn’t matter if they work hard or not at all, all the pieces of the puzzle seems to slip effortlessly into place and their lives improve while mine continues to deteriorate. I’ve had fantastic ideas for non-profit organizations, gathered people together to start only to be kicked out of the loop, have my ideas stolen and passed off like they’re someone else’s and be forgotten. No matter how much I try to help people, it’s never good enough.
I’m homeless. Again.
I have no friends, no contacts that I can reach out to, no one that can really understand what I’m going through. There’s no one that going to pick me up, brush me off, and help me get a new start in life. There’s nothing for me. You see these ‘feel good’ posts on Facebook and Twitter, someone’s help someone else again, but no one can hear my voice. No matter how much I beg, scream, cry…there is no good Christian waiting to give me a hand up.
It’s to the point where I question my existence each and every day.
I have crippling social anxiety because of the way society has treated me, and I’m the one left broken. Not the countless faces that have slung their hatred at me. They carry on their lives vindicated at the fact they’ve put one more tranny fag in its place. Or maybe they’re put one more autistic shut in freak in their place. You can never really tell these days.
I fantasize about killing myself. Almost on a daily basis. Will it hurt much, if I use this knife? Well I always have a sharper one I can use. Or what if I just pull the steering wheel to the left a little. It won’t hurt much if the speed of the impact is fast enough. There will be no one to mourn me. I’m not skinny, or photogenic. I don’t smile and I wear the scars that a lifetime of abuse and depression have left me with. I’m not a self-taking, social media star. I’m…nothing.
I’m not sure if that hurts more or less than the baggage that I struggle with on a daily basis.
I just want to be something…someone. Before the darkness takes me…