It’s been nearly three months since I’ve been able to write anything substantial. Dealing with the loss of a friend, family issues, depression, programming projects and the holidays has really put me in a bad place that I’m desperately trying to dig myself out of.
I’ve had to move yet again, even though I had thought that I finally found where I belong. It seems like it was just a farce in the end. Once more, people lie about their ability to understand each other, or rather the willingness to try to understand each other. They continue to separate themselves into neat little molds so they can keep their illusion of conformity. If you fall outside of their mold, or their perception of how you should be or act, you’re immediately exiled. I’ve found that this happens even with people that consider themselves to be the most open and accepting people. It’s pretty words, nothing more. Just a boast to make themselves look good, and sleep better at night. Nothing less, nothing more.
I’ve started a new job, one where I work for myself. I’m my own boss, and I don’t have to answer to people every day. I don’t really have to interact with people every day.
After being homeless for nearly two years, it’s nice to finally have a desk that I can sit at while I write not only my blog but also work on coding. It’s the simple things really.
I’m still in a state of disbelief about losing Dani. I keep wanting to pick up my phone to text her, or find myself wondering how she’s doing. Then the cold realization of her death slaps me in the face and my heart breaks all over again. It’s like pulling the dressing off a wound that hasn’t stopped bleeding. All the bloody emotions come pouring out of me and I have to fight to keep from crying.
I know the stages of acceptance, I was trained as a CNA, but I can’t seem to move past this feeling of emptiness. This was never something they talked about in school. This empty and hallow feeling that lives in the place that was once filled with our friendship. It hurts, and I can’t figure out what I can do to make that pain ebb.