Thirty-Three

At precisely 12:10pm I will have been born for thirty-three years, looking back it’s been one struggle after another. There are so many chances I wish I would have had that were afforded to others that made their lives considerably easier, but then I realize that if I hadn’t gone through what I have over the past thirty-three years, I wouldn’t be the person that I am today.

Each and every obstacle that I have had to overcome has shaped me in some way. While it seems that every day brings more than I can handle right now, I’m still making progress. I’m fighting my anxiety and depression by making myself get out of bed in the morning. Granted, I have people that depend on my ability to drag myself from bed, put clothing on and take them to work, or school if they miss the bus, it’s still a chore I have to make myself do.

There is a small prospect of me returning to college this fall, and that both excites me and terrifies me. Living where I do now, I can return to school and not have the outrageous amount of debt that going to school nearly anywhere else in the nation would result in. I’m also looking at attending a fairly large college. I’ve been working myself up to that aspect by spending time on campus. That’s actually where I’m writing this post from right now.

It’s a fairly quiet day today, and I don’t need my earphones, which is a huge improvement from the first time I tried to come to campus by myself and ended up having a panic attack and hiding behind a stairwell crying until my wife was able to find me then walk me back to our car.

Step by step I’ve been making progress in conquering my anxiety without the help of a “professional” because let’s face it, most professionals don’t give a damn about their patients unless they are self-pay with cash. Here in the United States that’s a dangerous line to walk especially with recent developments, or maybe I should say the lack thereof, in healthcare programs trying to be forced through the government. When those in power would rather let people without a six-figure salary die, something is going to give and it won’t be pretty, but I digress.

I have managed to make some really good friends over the last few months, and I’m actually looking forward to the birthday party my wife has planned for me with friends tomorrow. This too is a huge improvement over last year, over the last several years honestly. My birthday isn’t something that I’ve come to loathe anymore. Currently, it’s more of an indifference that I feel towards it, but that’s changing.

For the first time since I was a small child, I have friends! People that truly care about me and enjoy me being in their life. How strange this is, to have people to talk to or text when there’s something exciting happening in my life. I’m beginning to have a community, something that I never thought that I would have.

It gives me hope, that these are the last of the truly desolate obstacles that I will face feeling alone and lost.