Aydan's Life · community · Depression · Holidays

Into the Fray

I hate the phrase “home is where the heart is” it, like most others, is just made up sweet words to lull people into feeling better about where they live. Most people that chant this mantra actually have a home. They don’t have to worry about where they are going to sleep at night, or how they are going to cook their next meal, or even how they are going to stay warm when the frigid temperatures of winter settle in for the season.

As I sit in my SUV with my wife and two boys watching the coming storm I can only wish that we had a home to go to, somewhere warm, safe and dry. It won’t happen though, our lot in life has been nothing by chaos and uncertainty. With just seven days left in this year we can all hope that 2017 will be better than the last two years. We can hope that the progression of dilapidation of our lives will cease, and we will be able to build something better than what we have now.

I think the only thing that I hate more than meaningless phrases is the utterances of people that feel the need to indulge in their self-righteousness all the while never truly understanding what someone who is having trouble is going through. All the “keep it up”, “sending you love and light”, and “praying for you” isn’t going to do anything for me or my family. They are just words to make someone else feel better about not being someone like me.

It’s a good thing too I suppose, who would want to be broken like I am? Who would want to have to worry about where they can park at night so that they can get sleep without being disturbed. Who would want to worry about their vehicle finally breaking down in a way that they can’t repair it leaving them and their family stranded. Who would want to have their so-called friends use them and then cast them aside. Who would want to suffer the discrimination, hateful words and lack of empathy that someone like me suffers. What a life to live.

The sad thing is, I used to think of myself as a good person. I would go out of my way to help other people, but when my family and I needed help no one is there. I have given total strangers my belongings because it made their lives a little dryer, a little warmer, or a little easier. I guess I’m not really a good anything in the end.

Maybe life and society has finally stomped out the last bit of wonder and excitement in my heart, because this world now isn’t something that I want to live in. Merry effin’ Christmas…



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