Muddle On

​For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to raise to help cover the cost of a new laptop for my schooling as well as my schooling itself. I am having to pay for my education completely out of pocket without any assistance other than donations or assistant that I get from friends and family. I am working not only towards getting my TESOL (teaching English as a second language) certification, but I’m also working on getting a Bachelor’s degree in Business Management. My hopes is that I can first get my TESOL certification and work teaching English while continuing to work towards my Business Management degree. 

My hopes though are beginning to fall flat because of a lack of funding. I am stuck working class by class when I can scrape together the funding for each of the classes. My laptop on which I do all my classwork is dying. The fan is going out on it and I have to keep my laptop on its side so that I can use another fan to keep it cool. The screen is also cracked so badly that I have to use a monitor in order to be able to use my laptop. 

With my business degree I want to be able to start a business that will help people like me, people with disabilities, or people that have been discriminated against due to loopholes in laws in states with “right to work” policies. Everyone deserves the chance to work towards being self-sufficient, successful and happy no matter if they are disabled or not. Everyone deserves to be able to find a place where they belong. 

Despite all my hopes for a better future I feel like I’m failing, and I’m beginning to wonder if I really am I horrible person. I see all these successful GoFundMe accounts for family vacations, traveling around the world, am I’m trying to raise money for my education so that I can do better for myself, my family and my community and yet I am getting no help. 

So I am left to wonder, am I really a bad person?  What is it about me that causes others to lack empathy towards my cause? Is it my inability to form and maintain friendships because I don’t understand people? I don’t understand social concepts like white lies and trying to fake it until you make it. I also don’t understand why human beings treat each other so horribly, why we let power and money corrupt us so much that we are willing to murder innocent people for gains that won’t last beyond the years of their lives. 

Maybe it’s because I’ve had nothing for so long that makes me so different from everyone else. Who knows? 

I just know that I’ll continue to fight and muddle my way through life as I have always done. As always, I’m just one step from chaos.

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