Chaos seems to be one of the most frequent things in my life, despite my greatest efforts to keep some order for my own sanity. This is one of the reasons that I call my blog, One Step From Chaos. It seems to me that I am always on the edge of complete and total chaos, just one wrong step and any sibilance that I have or order is gone.
For a little over a week now, that chaos has begun to swallow me whole, like an endless miasma that I sometimes feel like I’ll never escape. First, our move to Arkansas, then I had to deal with an individual that had a past of abusive and violent behavior. I am trying so very hard to regain and keep my composure after the weekend, but I feel like I’m beginning to crack under the stress. I don’t want to break into a million pieces when I need to be keeping myself together. Once more, I’m balancing on the edge of chaos.
I don’t want to appear ungrateful to my wonderful friends for giving my family a place to stay, but at the same time I feel that I need to get this off my chest otherwise the anger from the whole situation is going to end up consuming me to the point where I am a bitter, hateful person.
When my family arrived in Arkansas, there were two other people (other than my friends) that were living here. One of these people weren’t even supposed to be here because of their abusive past. They had beaten someone so badly that the victim of their assault was left with fractures and broken bones. Anyone that knows me, knows that I hate abusers. To me they are the lowest of the low and deserve to live a life of isolation where they can’t hurt anyone else. My grandmother was an abuser, she used to beat me when I was 12-years-old. I hate them.
Despite my extreme dislike of this other person, we will call them M, I put forth my best efforts to keep the peace. One way that I do this is to avoid someone that I don’t like, as to not cause a fight. On Saturday, M got extremely drunk and started crying and confessing nearly everything wrong with and in their life to me.
I don’t consider myself to be a bad person, quite the opposite actually, and I understand that there are times when I am too caring and end up getting burned because of it. Part of me felt bad for this person that claimed to be abused themself, because I know what it is like. I tried my best to console M, and come up with a way to mend relationships and start again. I was made promises of assistance with the chores around the house whereas as far as I could tell up until that point from my experience M had been doing nothing. M said that they would help take care of the chickens in the mornings by feeding them.
As far as I’m concerned something is better than nothing.
I was also told by M, that they had voices in their head that were never quiet and often upset them and prohibited them from sleeping. This was, as far as I was told, the reason that M abused drugs. Once again the sob story I was told tugged at my heart. I wanted to help M get better so that they could break the cycle of abuse by no longer being an abuser themselves.
Everyone went to bed Saturday night without too much more of an incident, and early Sunday morning I got up and began to make breakfast for everyone, despite the monetary bind that my family is currently in. I was trying to mend bridges, give M a second chance and hope that maybe they were being honest with me about wanting to be a better person.
M did load the dishwasher while I cooked breakfast, but after that they disappeared until breakfast was ready. After I was done making pancakes everyone sat down at the kitchen table to have a meal. For me, breaking bread with anyone is in a way inviting them to become part of my family. I don’t feed nor eat with people that I dislike, so this was a way for me to show that despite M’s past, we could be amiable.
All of us were sitting around the table enjoying breakfast and talking, when my wife suggested that we all get together after breakfast and make a list of chores that we can each do to help our host (my friends, who were out of town for a conference) M suddenly became agitated. Then during further conversation the topic of autism came up.
All of us that are autistic were talking about our different experiences, and the mention of M, having autistic tendencies came up as well. We all joked that my wife was the only neuro-typical person at the table or so it seemed. M got up from the table and stormed from the room without so much as another word. No, thank you for breakfast, go fuck yourself, or anything. Then after breakfast, when the time for chores came, M was nowhere to be found, even though they were asked to rejoin the group several times to help out.
When M finally came out of hiding I told them that I wanted them to leave me alone because I was pissed at their actions. At the time I was in major pain because of my back, and didn’t have the time or energy to deal with someone that sold me their sob story one night, then lied to me the next.
That evening at dinner, M came to the table, ate my food and once again left in the middle of dinner before everyone was done eating. This happened not one night, but two. Two evenings in a row, M ate dinner and left before everyone was done without helping to clean up, after another promise of cleaning up had been made.
To me, this put M in the category of liar, and after being lied to not once, but twice, I wanted nothing more to do with them. I am not their personal chef, nor am I their parent. In all honesty, as far as I’m concerned, my 12-year-old son is more responsible and helpful than M.
After doing my best to ignore M for another day, I was sitting at the kitchen table trying to help my son with his school work and do my own classwork. I’m working towards a certificate for TESOL, and everyone in the house where my family and I are staying know this. M comes strolling into the kitchen and starts going on about everyone’s day even when I have a video for my class playing and I’m taking notes, and my son is sitting next to me working on his math. My wife tells M that my son and I are doing school work, and to please keep the noise down. M turned and walked from the room, stopping in the hallway to make yet another drivel comment further interrupting my work.
I had enough. I gathered up my stuff and left the house to return to my tent so that I could get some peace while working on my schooling. I asked my wife to gather all the stuff that we had left in the house so that I wouldn’t have to go inside again while M was there because I didn’t want a fight to start. M was clearly refusing to adhere to my request to leave me alone.
And then all hell broke loose.
I was trying to do my school work outside while sitting on a blanket with my son and M stormed outside and towards me. I nudged my wife and asked her to tell M to leave me alone. My wife was told that what she said didn’t matter M wanted to have a conversation with me. I told M that I had no interest in talking to them and to leave me alone.
Yet again, I was ignored in my request to be left alone. M started screaming and yelling, going on about demanding to know why I was being so horrible to them. This was after they had been eating my food for the past several days mind you. I was avoiding them in an effort to keep the peace. I was pissed, so I told them that I hated liars and abusers, and I wanted nothing to do with people like that. Then M continued to scream at me and insult me because I didn’t pretend that everything was perfect after they wrote an “apology” that wasn’t worth the paper it was written on.
M would not stop screaming and raging at me, so I told them to leave me alone or I would call the police. It was at this point that M first said and I quote “If you call the police, I’ll break the phone you call them on” and then went on to scream to the top of their lungs that they were going to kill me.
So much for wanting to be a better person. I feel like this person only wanted sympathy from me while continuing to be an abuser and a user. They clearly had zero interest in changing. They screamed at my wife and called her a bitch, and threatened me in front of my 12-year-old son.
This is the hell that I had to deal with. In that moment I had to make the choice to be the bigger person and walk away or to beat the ever loving shit out of this smart mouthed person that represented everything that I hated.
I got my wife and son into our SUV and I left with the intention of going to the police department. I got about halfway there and turned around to go back to the house. I was simply going to pack everything that we had and leave. My life and my family’s safety were more important than a mentally ill abuser and addict.
The eventual outcome was M being told to leave by our wonderful hosts, because we were invited to stay there, whereas M was not. M left that evening and has yet to come back, but if they do I am prepared to ask the police for a restraining order.
I am so very tired of people threatening my life, just because I don’t worship them.
This whole ordeal over someone not being able to just follow a simple request to leave me alone after being asked repeatedly.
This chaos is getting old.