On August 1st, my son’s birthday, my family went to spend the day at the river which is a favorite of said birthday boy because he can swim there. We had a pretty good day overall while there. The birthday boy got to paddle his kayak around, swing out into the river on a rope, run around our own little island and have a good time together. It was nearly 1:00pm when we started to head back to where we launch into the river so that we could get cake and ice cream before heading home for dinner.
As we were leaving there was a group of about six or seven people putting air in a “floating island” for a trip down the river. I loaded up the trailer with the kayaks and put our canoe on top of “Bessie” (my Ford Explorer) all the while listening to these guys and girls carry on chattering with each other. They were obviously excited about their trip and were planning to have a good time with one another. When they had launched, as I was tightening the back strap on the canoe I broke into tears.
That’s something I’ve never had, and I don’t feel like I ever will. Friends to hang out with, to float the river, go kayak fishing with, or just spend time together. Sure I have friends online that I talk to through Facebook, but the only people I have to spend time with are my family. I’m not saying that they aren’t good enough because I love them and I enjoy spending time with them. It’s just that I wish that I had friends to spend time with and do things that I enjoy that my family really doesn’t.
I have a friend here and there, but it never really lasts long. They suddenly don’t have the time for me because I a)have children and have to make plans for said children to be cared for before going out b)don’t have a lot of money so I can’t go out partying constantly c)I live too far outside of town because of my sensory issues and therefore I’m too far away to bother with.
Any time that I’ve tried to talk to a therapist about this I always get the “but you have Emily” speech. They don’t want to take the time to deal with my loneliness that contributes to my depression because “I have Emily.” Yes, I have my wife, but my wife can’t keep up with me. Her disabilities prevent her from being able to physically keep up with me, and my disabilities make it impossible for me to go somewhere by myself. None of this matters to these so-called doctors, though.
So I’m left lonely, without friends and totally depressed about it. When I see other people posting pictures of themselves with friends having a good time it makes it worse. I have this little voice inside my head laughing at me, telling me that I’ll never be good enough for anyone to want to spend time with. Why should I even bother, why not just give up…completely and on everything.
I feel like the only time that anyone wants to be around me or have anything to do with me is when I can do something for them. Create a website…fix a car…set up a non-profit…run a workshop…and then when it’s over I’m thrown away.
I feel like I’m completely expendable…