I feel…lost

Where to begin…at this point I’m not too sure what to say if anything. I want to curl into a ball and cry myself into oblivion. When I hurt this bad, I want to cease to be.

Friday, I went to an orthopaedist because my right knee has been swelling and giving me quite a bit of pain lately. I had hoped that maybe I was just spending too much time on my feet, or that I had twisted it the wrong way. Neither turned out to be the case. It would seem that I have early onset arthritis in my knee, and of course, this isn’t the sort of thing that just goes away.

I’ve been struggling with my weight for years, and no matter what I seem to do I can’t lose it. I kayak three times a week and just hit over 4 miles in one go on Friday morning. I’ve changed my eating habits and stopped drinking soda, but nothing helps. It seems like, in the end, I’m going to have to have surgery to be able to lose weight and that scares the hell out of me.

If that isn’t bad enough, I waited two months for some therapist to tell me something I’ve known for the past 15 years, I’m depressed, plus spew out some lies and bullshit in a report that I never said. My stress level is through the roof and I don’t know how much longer I can take all this pressure.

I don’t feel appreciated. I don’t feel welcome. I don’t feel wanted unless I can do something for someone, then I’m the best person in the world. I don’t feel like a human being, and if I’m honest with myself, I haven’t felt that way in a very long time.

I feel like I’m completely lost. I don’t know who I am anymore, or what I want other than to just be happy.


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