Aydan's Life

Lost

I feel so incredibly lost right now. My Ford Explorer is still broken after replacing not only a CV axle on the driver’s side, but also a ball joint; for those that don’t speak “mechanic” it’s a pain in the ass to do either and really more money than I have to be throwing into a vehicle. This leaves me stranded in Texas with upcoming doctor’s appointments not only for myself but also for my son.

Just because I’m not having enough of a hard time the cosmos decided that I needed more to deal with in the form of our family/farm dog getting hit by a car; most likely because someone saw a pitbull and thought that the evil dog needed to die. She survived but she will now need surgery to relocate her elbow that was dislocated, more money we don’t have. What we had saved up to get home on went into fixing the explorer, which of course didn’t work.

While I’m not on the streets in Texas there are times when I feel like that would have been a better choice. My brother and father are acting hostile towards me on an almost constant basis, and I don’t know how much longer I can stand this before I break.

With each passing day I feel more and more used by people that I was supposed to be able to trust; friends, I’ve come to detest that word almost more than any other word in the English language. I don’t feel like I have anyone that I can turn to for help, or really anyone that gives a damn about what happens to me.

I don’t really know what I’m going to do, or really what I can do from here. I am beginning to feel  like I don’t have any choices other than the one that would end my existence; more and more I’m feeling backed into a corner and at a loss for everything.
I feel like if I wasn’t around, things would be easier…

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3 thoughts on “Lost

  1. I understand exactly how you feel, and have been in your position of feeling “backed into a corner” more times than I can count, feeling like there’s only one option. It’s still a daily struggle for me, and as you obviously know, the only option we really have is to continue breathing and living. To continue for those few days that truly are amazing. I wish you all of the happiness in the world, and to find it within yourself to love your own life. And to realize that you are enough, and to leave this earth and end your pain is not the only option. No matter how difficult it can be to see at times. Live for yourself, and no one else. We live alone, and die alone. Haha I know that may seem like a dark way to view this life, but it’s the honey truth. You’re a fantastic writer, so I hope that that simple truth will bring a smile to your face today. Best of luck to you. KEEP WRITING😁

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean the world to me. I have been struggling for a long time torn between hating myself and learning to love myself and learning that I have value beyond what everyone else thinks of me. I still struggle with the labels other people place on me and often find myself trying to measure up to everyone else’s expectations. Life is dark, and while we are alone in this lifetime we can at least try to find others to help us feel not so alone, or at least that has been a hope that I’ve kept close to heart for a while. Though in retrospect it really hasn’t done me much good. I try to write as much as I can, but sometimes I can’t focus enough to force my fingers to type the thoughts swirling in my head. I am going to try very hard to do NANOWRIMO this year, but I don’t have too much hope for me actually hitting 40k words. I hope that you are doing well and had a wonderful Halloween. Once again, thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. NaNoWriMo is totally achievable for you dude!!! You should go for it!!! Haha I personally don’t have the patience to focus on one thing for so long, I know I would be burned out within a few days. And yeah, I also struggle periodically with being able to put my thoughts onto paper. It’s even worse, because usually when I need to write most and get it all out, it just won’t happen. Mental blockage.

        Anyways. Totally write that novel, you can do it😬

        Liked by 1 person

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