Self-harm and suicide has been on my mind a lot recently. I’ve been depressed (as usual) and I’m dealing with a lot of anxiety, worry and stress, so my mind tends to revert back to its old habits. The darkest little voice in the back of my mind continues to tell me how worthless I am, that I’ll never accomplish anything worthwhile in my lifetime so why even bother? I won’t have a legacy to leave behind, no one will remember me, I will die and return to the earth same as billions of people before me have done and will continue to do after I am dead. The not so dark voice urges me to pick up habits that I have given up in the past, cutting the main vice of my past. Go ahead, it whispers, draw the blade again, loose the scarlet flow. Both tell me I could martyr myself as so many other transgender people before me have done. I could make my mark by dying. Wouldn’t it be so simple to write out my pain, end my life, and then end my suffering?
My suffering. How selfish.
The only thing that taking their advice would do is end my suffering, and yet it would create more pain than it would end. If my life was over the pain that the family I left behind would be in would pale in comparison to my own sorrow.
My wife, children, siblings, perhaps even my parents; they would all have a hole in their life where I once lived. It’s not fair to them to cause them all so much pain when most of them wanted to do nothing more than help me as I struggle through life.
Why do we do it? Why do people like me end our lives long before our time? I think that we lose sight of what is important in our lives, or we feel so abandoned and alone that we don’t think. We don’t think about those that we will leave behind, or those that have to continue to live with the pain we carried long after our suffering is gone.
We are so consumed by these emotions, these dark little voices, that we can’t traverse the path of life any longer, or at least that is how we feel. In that overwhelming moment of weakness we carry out what we have been planning for so long. We carry out what some of us have dreamed of, because the great sleep is eternal rest. There is no pain, there is no suffering only the dark embrace of nothing. Scary as that nothing is, it seems better than what we are going through right now.
So please don’t blame us when we can’t stop crying, when we reach out and tell you we can’t hold on, when we withdraw from the world because we don’t feel like we deserve to be in it any longer. Don’t hold it against us, help us. We are reaching out because we don’t want to give up, we need that one kind word, that one smile, one hug, one “It’s going to be okay”.
It may just be another day for you, but for us it could the end of ours forever.
(In case anyone is worried, I am not suicidal or planning to hurt myself or others. I just felt I needed to get this off my chest. Writing is how I deal with a lot of the pain that I go through. )