June 30, 2015

June 30, 2015

The date has yet to arrive and yet it is causing me so much sorrow, grief and agony. Part of me is happy for what will happen on this day, and yet part of me cries myself to sleep at night because of it. This will be the day that I end my ability to have children. This is the day that I am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy, all my reproductive organs will be coming out.

I am happy and excited about this because I shouldn’t have been born with the parts in the first place and the procedure will eliminate the problems that I am currently having. The other part of me is sad because I will never be able to have another child. I am a proud “seahorse” and I love my son and step-son immensely but we had always wanted to have another child. My wife and I wanted a daughter, but she cannot have any more children and soon neither will I.

In addition to these issues, there is also the concern for cervical or ovarian cancer because of problems that I have been having recently. Both sides of my family have had people with cancer and has caused several deaths on my mother’s side of the family. Even though I don’t know much about my extended family on either side, it’s still something that I find upsetting and worrying. Two years ago we went through my wife having a malignant tumor removed from her kidney. This is not something that I would want to put my family through again.

I this point, I feel like I was cursed when I was created. I was cursed with a body and mind that don’t match unless I undergo surgeries, and now I’m faced with the fact that I cannot create another life. I know that sounds really odd, but having that choice removed from me hurts. I think it is so upsetting to me because of all the women that terminate their pregnancies because they were irresponsible and simply didn’t want the baby. (Yes, I am pro-life. I believe each and every life is sacred and NO ONE has the right to take another’s life.) Then you have the parents that starve, beat, or abuse their children, and they’re still reproducing.

It just isn’t fair…

I know that life isn’t about fairness, it’s about making something wonderful and comforting out of what you have to work with, but that still doesn’t lessen the hurt.

This is just a new kind of hurt for me to deal with. It’s not that I don’t want the procedure, because I do, I’m just sad that because of the circumstances of my birth I have to have this surgery in the first place and I’ll never be able to father a child.