If anyone’s life could be considered one giant streak of bad luck, mine would be among the top ten candidates. This run of bad luck seems to get worse the closer I get to my birthday each year. Over the past two years I feel like whatever deities exist are casting me as the lead role in their remake play of Job.
Every time I’ve made any forward strides, given just a glimpse of hope, my life begins to fall apart. I am really to the point where I want to curl into a ball and give up. I’m at a loss, and I don’t feel like anything is ever going to be okay so why should I bother?
First the secondary pump on our septic pump went out and we haven’t been able to fix it. I have the pump and receptacle to install it, but I need the secondary holding tank pumped out and a) we don’t have the money for that b) I don’t have a pump I can empty it into the drain field with myself. About two weeks ago the pump for our well stopped working. We have no running water. I have to draw water up from the well with a rope and a bucket in order to water our animals, water our meager garden and wash dishes. We have to buy water from the store to drink and we’re lucky enough to have a great friend that lets us shower at his place. It fucking sucks.
Then some jackass messed with the truck and screwed up the back driver’s side lug studs. I still have to replace every stud on that tire because some hateful jerk thought they were going to have some fun at our expense.
Now today we come home and find out HVAC unit has died. No air conditioning, all we have now is box fans. I know I sound like a pissy little American crying about first world problems, at least we have access to water, and have fans but I have to live each and every day terrified of someone calling CPS and because we don’t have running water, them taking our children away.
I said I would write to raise money, but it didn’t work, so I write because if I don’t I’ll kill myself because I have no other outlets. I go see my therapist each week and feel like I get nowhere now. I’m depressed and often I just want to die. I want this struggle to be over. I just want to wake up one morning and not worry about whether or not we’re going to end up on the streets again. I don’t want to have to worry about having the electricity shut off because we can’t afford the nearly $1,000 electric bill because the co-ops meters were fucked up and gave inaccurate readings for three months.
I would just be nice not to have my life follow Murphy’s Law for a while.